It's a theme I've heard from two people in two days: love versus respect.
According to my male friend, "Women crave unconditional love. Men crave unconditional respect."
According to my sister, "Love is easy to come by. Respect takes a long time to earn, and it's more easily shattered. Relationships can subsist on love, if they must, but relationships thrive on respect."
Since it seems that my sister would disagree with my friend (after all, if she claims that relationships thrive on respect, why would a woman want respect less than love?) I propose an inquiry into what these two might mean by "love" and "respect," and see whether or not either of these claims have something to tell us about our own relationships.
Women crave love; men crave respect: How we are to think about the words "Love" and "Respect"? Are they nouns or verbs--if people want them, do they want to be the recipients of an essence (noun) or an action (verb)? If women want to know that they are loved unconditionally, this might be different from wanting to receive unconditional love, depending on whether they think of love as an essence or as an action.
Frederick Nietzsche once spoke about problematic character of words using this sentence: "Lightening strikes." This is redundant, for what is lightening if not the strike? What is love if not the action accompanying it? And how about respect?
I am of the opinion that if somebody wants to feel Loved or feel Respected, they want to feel themselves a recipient of an action associated with the idea of love or respect. If seen in this light, we then have to ask ourselves what the difference between the action of love and the action of respect entails. Is love a lavish display of affection, while respect is a more quiet act of approval?
What of the claim that it is easier to get love than respect?
This question has gotten too big for me to answer. I want your opinions:
What is love?
What is respect?
Do you think women want one while men want another? Do they want the same thing but use a different word?
Is there a quality to respect that makes it more desirable than love for a strong relationship? Can a relationship subsist on love while lacking respect? How about vice versa?
Love is a bio-chemical reaction in the brain. It resembles insanity. I don't know if it is being used in that frame though.
ReplyDeleteRespect, I don't know how it's being used by your guy friend, but your sister, I think it's being used in the way of, knowing what both parties have been through, and where they have been through. I remember watching some PBS documentary of a maximum-security prison, and some burly convict was asked what he wanted most, or something, and he replied, "Rispek." I don't think that's something that can be given so easily (but for that guy I'd make an exception for personal safety), as your sister said.
I don't think one can generalize what men want, and what women want. (I just realized it won't let me double-space, fuck this) but no doubt there are some women and men who will fit certain personas, just as there are stereotypical girly-girl women and brawny macho men.
Coming to this point, I don't really know what the words "love" and "respect" mean in the ways being used above. I'm going to leave my thoughts out!
Why do I have to login to post a comment? I feel exposed.
ReplyDeleteThe main differentiation I would make between love and respect is love results in displayed affection, while respect only results in acknowledgment. I agree more with your sister's definition than your male friend's.
ReplyDeleteI think the notion of men wanting respect and women wanting love is archaic and based on gender role stereotypes - men historically have wanted respect for the role they have played as a family breadwinner. But I can say as recently as my parents that the most regular source of voiced discontent is not the lack of love, but the lack of respect. As another example, I want respect from coworkers, but love from my significant other. And, perhaps respect is a strong rerequisite for that. Of course, this is all coming from someone who blogs about game design, so take my comments with one or more grains of salt :P
δράση μου είναι αλήθεια μου
ReplyDeleteI probably should have responded to you guys back in the day, because I didn't and nobody has made comments (publicly) on this thing since!
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I appreciate your thoughts. General consensus: let's not label entire genders as wanting one thing over another. I think that's a pretty sturdy final conclusion. You?
I like Fromm's concept of love which he viewed as an interpersonal creative capacity rather than an emotion and distinguished it from romantic "true love". He considered that care, responsibility, respect and knowledge are essential elements of love and I can't agree more.
ReplyDeleteRespect of another's autonomy is an essential elements of Love. The kind of respect a stereo-typical male would like is respect for *authority* which, IMO, has no place in Love and stems from gender-roles of the past. One can respect an authority without any love. But one can't Love without respect.
I think globally men and women want the same - Love - yet the desire finds different manifestations due to differences in biology and socialization. I believe new gender roles will emerge in the future - the ones which are more flexible and are no longer prescriptive (as in the past) but descriptive.
I view both love and respect as verbs - good reminder of the differences.
Which piece of Fromm do you refer to? I read Escape From Freedom, and I really enjoyed it. Been meaning to pick it back up again, actually...
ReplyDelete