Whom to Date

I came up with a solution to the problem of what type of man I need to date while showering before New Year’s Eve’s festivities and rocking an intense pre-party buzz. Don’t let the circumstance bring you to doubt my findings; they are founded upon only the most rational scientific grounds.

Each individual falls into one of the following categories, which can be graphed on a standard Cartesian plane:

I. Attractive, Intelligent
II. Attractive, Unintelligent
III. Unattractive, Unintelligent
IV. Unattractive, Intelligent

Let’s imagine the x and y axes (attractiveness, intelligence) valued from -7 to 7. A person can lie anywhere on the plane (see graph). However, instead of thinking in terms of only 4 quadrants, it might be more useful to break it down further into degrees. If the absolute value of any number is greater than 5, we will add a “highly” in front of their categorization. Thus, a value of (5.2, -7) would be “Highly Attractive, Highly Unintelligent,” while a score of (3, -2) would be “Attractive, Unintelligent.”


How do we evaluate where we lie on the graph? You people are so demanding. I don’t know. Let Brangelina create standards for High Attractiveness and Joe Dirt a standard for High Unattractiveness (and High Unintelligence for that matter). For my purposes, intelligence will be a combination of life smarts and book smarts. I believe I am (4.5, 5.9), or “Attractive, Highly Intelligent.”

Now, what kind of man should I date? I’d love to date a really attractive, really intelligent guy, but sometimes they are hard to find. In order to widen my dating pool, I need to be able to make concessions.

The fact of the matter is that most of my friends are highly intelligent; I can get my intellectual fix from them. And as much as you can admire the attractiveness of your friends, you don’t share the physical intimacy of a dating relationship.
Therefore, in a dating relationship, attractiveness weighs slightly more than intelligence (hold your judgment; this doesn’t apply in the long term!). I have made a not-to-scale graph of my ideal dating pool. If I can find the men who are attractive and intelligent, but slightly less intelligent than I am, so that my intelligence becomes an incentive to date a girl slightly less attractive, this will be perfect! (Is this a stereotypically male strategy for dating as well?)

Someone more, equally or almost as intelligent as me but categorically more attractive will be considered “Dating Up.” This is great for a while, but has the potential for heartbreak.

And none of this is an indicator of marriage material. Eventually, all of our bodies will fall into the clasping hands of age. For a long-term life mate, it is probably best to date someone of equal or greater intelligence, and probably someone less attractive than you, because you can count on them being consistently grateful for your (relatively) hot bod, and you can admire their long term stability and interesting companionship.

BUT! I have too much to do before I’m ready to settle down, so all you (x > 4.5, 2 < y < 5.9) men out there, feel free to drop me a line!